Goodbye

Today, I don't think I have cried as much, ever, in my life.

It is truly horrid.

When you finally realise that she's never coming back.

Going to my Nana's funeral was a heart-breaking moment and I have never felt anything like it in my whole life. I could not stop crying the whole way through the service, every little bit reminder me of her. The hymns, the poem, the eulogy and the worst part, was that her coffin was right there, next to me.

We had to bury her during the process. This was my first ever funeral so I had no idea what you had to do so when I saw it, I broke.

At this point, I realised that she and finally gone, and is never coming back. And I don't want that.

Geese, I am crying now!

I just want her back, you know. She made so many memories in my head which I will treasure forever and her affection towards me I will never forget. She was amazing and I love her.

The thing that I think made it that bit better than it is, is the fact that I actually got to say goodbye. Geese, that day was hard. She was ill, really ill, and she didn't know it. It was a brain injury and she thought she was going home soon. It was awful.

Stop crying!

At the end, I just said goodbye, kissed her and left and fell into a puddle of tears. I didn't cry in front of her because she thought there was nothing wrong, when in fact, she wasn't going to be there much longer.

It still hurts now, like a heartache. I have never felt this way before.

But as I am writing about my beloved Nana, I just want to say something to her, if you guys don't mind.

I have loved you for 1000 years, and I will love you for 1000 more. Goodbye x

In loving memory of my dearest Nana, I dedicate this blog to her.

Thank you

Bebeabout, signing out xx

Turn Back Time

I told my friends about the guy.

If you don't know what I am talking about read my previous blog Long Distance.

So I texted my friends saying can we talk at school, need to speak to you. One of the said, just tell me. I thought that it was a too longer story to tell over text, I mean, my last blog was a flipping essay! So I waited until I went back to school to tell them.

Because I met him right at the start of a 2 week break so couldn't see my friends until then.

Anyway, I sort of told them wrong. You know you have 2 ways of telling people information. 1 way is to tell them the brief and 2 is to tell them the whole story saga. I did the first one and they thought I was as weird as a flying elephant.

Yeah

They first thought I was weird because I met him on an online 'baby' game (I put baby in inverted commas because if it was a baby game, would I be playing it? No) and that was lame. As well as that, they thought he was just this weird guy who wasn't cute because I didn't tell them the right way. I didn't tell them about any of out cute stories or convocations.

Only if I could turn back time to tell them again.

I finally got through to 1 of them (sort of) and...yeah. They just think I am weird and stupid because I like this guy from America who I meant on a 'baby' game. They sort of laugh at me. I don't want them telling other people either because I told them because they are my friends and I trust them with this huge information about this guy.

But he is awesome. Really.

I will probably say in a weeks time that I haven't spoken to him so be warned!

But what I figured out was, distance means nothing if someone means something important because even though it can't, it should be because every good thing, starts out a little scary, doesn't it?

I was so proud when I made that little quote up, let me just say!

Hope you are all well.

Follow, comment, all of that.

See ya!

Bebeabout, signing out xx

Long Distance

My heart feels broken and feel like I am going to cry.

But I am still filled with powerful love and happiness from him.

I can't bring myself to regret ever meeting him and all the time we have talked to each other, because it has been such a laugh.

But it is very hard to think of a solution of which we could be together.

A couple of weeks ago, I was on an online gaming site when I met this guy. We were these weird characters so didn't know who each other were. We talked and he made me laugh. He always puts a smile on my face. He added me as a friend on the game and then we started going on the same games as each other when we were both online.

You guys all know I am 13 (14 in a month and a bit), I found out this guy is 15, which is awesome. Really, older guys are cute. And he was taking cute to a new level, flirting with me and making funny jokes. We talked to each other like we have know each other for ages, and he said so himself.

One night, we were on together and it was 12:30 for me so I said we better be getting off to bed. He said, really, it is well earlier. I was confused and said its 12:30. He just said were do you live and I said England and when I read his reply my heart sank.

He is from America.

I worked out that it was a 4 hour difference so it would have been 8:30 for him.

At this point, I liked him a bit. He was funny and cute, I just wanted to see him for him.

Another day, we were on a game together and I just came out with, do you have Instagram?  He didn't because he forgot his password. He asked me if  had twitter and I said no and then we exchanged our names for Facebook. before this, we didn't know each others names, or what each other looked like.

Please, please, please forgive me if I am offensive in anyway to you in the next little bit. I am not being racist. If you think I am I have 2 coloured friend and 1 ginger, and those are my closes 3 friends.

I am one of those people who worry about everything. A little look from a strange guy across the road makes me feel really nervous.

When I looked up his Facebook profile, I got the most worried feeling ever in my life.

He was coloured.

I don't know why it scared me it just did and if I offend you guys in anyway I am so sorry, I love you!

All I was thinking was, he is a black 15 year old from America. Whenever I imagined my first boyfriend (which I rarely imagined by the way, I don't have an imaginary boyfriend) he was always my race so, I think that is what scared me a bit. It being different to how I imagined.

Just a reminder I love you guys and I am not racist what so ever. Please believe me. This is just so I can get this off my chest.

I spent a couple of days not going on with him and then when I did, the moment he said hi I smiled and though, geese, how could I even be remotely afraid of him. He is so sweet.

And he is.

For about a week he was flirting with me. We were pretending to be the other gender to each other, he made some inside joke (which I will not share with you because they are too personal) and he was being so protective over me in games which you could die in (we are like Lego characters let me just say!). He is so cute and I really like him.

Now the reason my heart feels like it is broken and I want to cry is because of what happened today.

We were just talking on the game when he just said to me, Bebe, how would you describe our relationship/friendship?

I was stuck because I wanted to preserve my feelings but I wanted to tell him how I feel. So I just went

I don't know, depends on who's view it is coming from. What about you?

This is what hurt me.

I think we are friends who flirt with each other a lot.

...I died. He thinks we are just friends? Is the feeling I have only felt by me?

Then he said, But neither of us has made it clear if me want to date each other. It would be easier if we did. How do you feel about me?

I knew I had to say something and the only option was the truth. I like him loads, I do and he is so sweet, I just needed to tell him something else as well. I said

I like you, I do, I just think it would be complicated if we did.

He knew what I meant. I knew it would be complicated if we did date because if we did, it would be a huge long distance relationship and what happens if I find another guy I really like closer to me? Our relationship will be stopping me.

He agreed with what I said and just said, lets see what the future has in store for us.

Omg, so cute

I said, Yea, I would love that xx

I told him I had to go and left, feeling like if I didn't, I would end up hearing something else I didn't want to hear.

Life is so not fair. When I finally decide to like a guy, he lives in another continent, let alone country! The race thing doesn't bother me any more, I just want him to be here.

So I am not asking for much.

Guys, I need your advice. What shall I do? Shall we just stay friends or shall I tell him how I feel?

I need your responses because I have no idea what to do apart from act like today convocation never happened.

And, I am going to speak to him again, so don't say just forget him.

Love you guys loads, sorry I haven't posted in a while, had drama. Sorry if I offended you in this post.

Just sorry.

Ok, I am going to shut up now.

Bebeabout, signing out xx